Tag Archives: Family

Family, Forthcoming, Grandparent

Things. And Bear.

I submitted a small 600-word flash essay to The Keepthings about things: things that we keep, things that we find, things that give us solace or maybe some distress, too. My piece is about a bear, a brother and my mother’s love. It goes live on both Instagram and Substack today on Thanksgiving.

I am a thing-keeper. So imagine how perfect the moment when I entered this publishing booth at a conference and heard the premise: putting into the world what people write about — their small, often mundane highly personal items. I recommend following and reading these flash essays: you might THINK you don’t keep things but what about that flannel shirt from an old boyfriend that no one knows about except you at the bottom of your sweater trunk and you still wrap up in it when sad? (Ok, so maybe that is one of my things, too).

I have two other pieces of writing that have landed ie. forthcoming in the new year. I was up to eighty-five submissions and no bites, so the year seemed like a lot of work with little yield. Then Two Hawks Quarterly took one of my favorite pieces about recovery. Then, The Sonora Review took my flash piece about a second in time that changed time forever. I have allowed myself a few martini’s to celebrate this mic drop ending to 2024. Keep an eye out.

While it has been a rough road into November I have had a lot of fabulous moments to think back on, a LOT. I made an effort for good things, lots of writing and editing, time with friends and family. My health is good enough. My grand baby G continues to incubate: I have made it to grandchildren.
My mother would have made an amazing grandmother. She did not live to see the next generation and died nine months after my wedding. I think she might have been a very naughty and undisciplined grandmother but so fun. There are big shoes to fill when this tiny baby-form of my son and his beautiful kind wife arrives in a few months. I will do my best.

As you can see, I am leaning into this end of year focused on the positive — yes, there are already Christmas decorations — and also lots of hot soup, extreme gifting and many hugs.

@thekeepthings tomorrow. Enjoy.

Sending this from Cleo Wade to you, friends. Have a peaceful Thanksgiving.

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Non Partisan, Politics

Fix Us

At a vintage market a few days ago I picked up a Dresden plate-patterned quilt, folded up and very heavy, the hand stitches so minuscule, the colors that brilliant vintage calico only an old handmade quilt can showcase. The shopkeeper stepped over to me. “It’s a cutter” she said. “I will sell it to you for $15.”

Without missing a beat — or opening up the quilt — I replied.

“I am a fixer. Sold.”

We all know that is not quite true for everything. But doesn’t trying to fix something, or make someone feel better, or delivering a cake just because cake always make the day bright do something for the soul?

I grew up in politics; a grandmother who was a Connecticut State Senator after twenty years of local politics before that. An uncle who was a Congressman. The family was made up of opposite parties and the best of friends. There were as many democrats as republicans at our houses for coffees, teas, drinks. I attended election night countdowns from my sleep suit years to my high school years, helping chalk up the results board, eating sandwiches with the Governor, listening to the debates, the excitement, the hopes. I knew politics to be non-partisan (def: not biased, especially toward any political group), hard-working, problem-solving and a terrible topic of discussion at the dinner table after two rounds of Manhattans.

So disappointing, these days. But how to fix that?

Not with needle or thread. Not with anger or disruption. Not with locked-in, myopic, self-serving rhetoric. Think about the big picture. Save the earth we live in and on for our grandchildren and their children. Be the solution whether that means with scissors or tape or talk or change. Listen to the other side. Work it out. Your playground is my playground is our playground.

We have one life people. Make it good for everyone.

I have begun to stitch that quilt back together. Not a job for the fainthearted. It has massive, deep holes through the layers. Enough with the metaphors.

Thinking of everyone: we all lost in so many ways last week. Have some tea with me.

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Birthday, Faith, Vote

Word of the Day

My resident Carolina wren woke me this morning at 4:45 which I must say is an absolutely perfect start to another year ’round the sun. Big day, September 27. While she practiced her scales I inventoried, drinking tea and watching the sun pink up an incredible day:

I have outlived my genetic statistics by 15 years.

I have lived to see my children form deep, wonderful relationships with partners.

I have lived to anticipate a grandchild in the new year.

I am seven years cancer-free from diagnosis.

I have friends and family that I can ask anything, anywhere, anytime and they the same of me.

I have healed over and over and over and that, my friends, should be a mantra: we heal.

There is cake and chocolate for lunch.

I will survive the election season.

After my mother was diagnosed and died at fifty-one there is not one day — not one — that I don’t appreciate, rain or shine, good or bad, upright or down for the count. Coping can be as simple as taking a breath. While I am discouraged about my writing (nine months of essay rejections so far) the book — breathe — is gaining momentum. I have been blessed to be able to travel to the center of my creative hive many times — bigger breath — and I have planted a tree in my garden, made endless jams for the winter darkness and plan to begin this new year with more travel and a baby shower and best of all tonight we gather for a dinner with my family.

Trust me that I do not take this lightly, this living. Grateful to all of you who give me feedback and read my words and make me tea. I am filled with gratitude.

I struggled to find a word today when I thought of writing an update blog — something that said everything about everything. And then, honestly, this happened.

I have so much faith: in my body, my care team, my family, my friends, my barista, my hands, you. Because what is the alternative? Mine is not an angry world. Vote.

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Chocolate, February 14, gratitude, Heart, Pink, Valentine

Everything Counts.

I love all things valentine. The chance before, during and after February 14 to beam out love. Is it necessarily a bad thing to proclaim a sentimental day in the middle of the bleak midwinter? Construction paper and a pair of scissors, a scrap of fabric and some embroidery thread, a batch of chocolate brownies, a group of gals for dinner, a phone call? I have seized the day to celebrate you, friends and family, ever since I could write my name. Today, pink hearts, boxes of chocolate, cards, even ecards fly through the air to remind people they mean something for many reasons. A one-hit chance to show a little more love.

This 2-2-24 I join you in feeling broken hearted from war, loss, illness and displacement; from our politics that wear me down and darken the days. The news is violent. The climate is suffering. I take today to reset my thanks, take a long walk and see the early daffodils near Wren Cottage, send some pink to friends and family who have made the last year better despite it all. I have spent the last week spelling out heart-shaped gratitude to my family, to those who have held my hand when things are difficult and to those acquaintances that have done more than they know. Especially to those of you who have become like family: everything counts, just being there. Everything you do.

Love you all.

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National Women's Day, Success, Surge, Women

Surge.

Early this morning I waited outside in a wintery mix for the doors to open at Apple. Through the glass walls the tech teams got ready for the day in a meeting that began with an International Women’s Day video played on the big screen; Michelle, Hillary, Malala, Maya Angelou flashed across the vast room. The employees clapped through the clips. I didn’t need to hear the audio to feel inspired.

At the end, this sentence hung on the screen until the doors opened:

WHO IS THE WOMAN THAT MOST INFLUENCED YOU IN YOUR LIFE?

I was a half hour early in panic mode so gratefully this focused my attention on something besides my blank, un-chargeable brand new iPhone 14. Who indeed?

Whether I go backwards or forwards in time, women have been the indelible, invincible marks on my life. From a grandmother who endured health challenges while holding up households, to one who became a Senator. To a mother who chose art over secretarial school. To my daughters who have strong careers and choose their lives, their way. To my future daughter-in-law who is the backbone of her job.

And my women friends and family: Writers, lawyers, negotiators, mothers, doctors, influencers, curators, designers — to name just a few of their remarkable talents.

Do I have to pick one? I am surrounded and always have been. And by men like my son who supports us all with grace and honor. My mother once said to me, when I balked at a PHD: “What did I burn my bra for?” We argued, for years, that I got where I did because of that bonfire that was her, and now I had to do my own blaze.

My phone had experienced a ‘surge’ and I learned how to reboot from a nice techie who took thirty seconds to identify and fix the problem. We conquer, one step at a time, in our surge of failures and successes. Cheers to you all, past, present and future.

Proud of them all.

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Family, Father, gratitude, Handmade

Love Pigs.

Of all the holiday pleasures nothing — nothing — makes me happier than the pigs.

So long ago, before my father’s eyes were beset by Best’s disease, he carved animals from wood. I have a fat sheep and a patient donkey for the manger. On my desk lies a palm-sized duck with a beak tucked tenderly under a wing. On the bookcase, a life-sized Curlew, beak always in peril from the vacuum and small children. On the tree hangs wooden ornaments he cut from pictures my children drew for him. But nothing gives me more pleasure than the two tiny little piggies he carved, the size of my thumbnail, that I place in the Christmas scene come December.

The pigs lie in wait for eleven months, swaddled in cotton, kept safe from the jumble and flurry of the holiday set-ups and take-downs, in a small porcelain Christmas tree that flips open at the trunk.  They are my final tradition in the days before the holiday. I wait until all the lights are strung, the tree trimmed, the skating scene arranged and rearranged, the snow sprinkled; only then do they come out: I tip open the base of the tree and one by one carefully place them on the mantle. Though so small, they square up amongst the skaters and carved trees, the string of sparkle lights and little churches. Their shadows cast stout silhouettes. All that my father loved about this holiday — family, the hearth, the music, beauty created from our hands —  is in these little animals. All the love he could give me is in these half-inch tiny knobs of wood. I always cry when I step back and look at them.

I still remember the sharp points of their ears pricking me as he dropped them in my palm, this tiniest most beautiful gift from his hands to mine. Some years, I place them  around a reindeer. Some years, I place them next to a small hand carved Santa, or in the middle of three paunchy Santas, their ears and tails pointing North and East, peering at the tiny skaters frozen in their poses. Guests will lean on the mantle, stare at the scene and then suddenly burst out laughing. Tiny pigs in a skating scene is funny.

In 2011, a year after my father died, a small box arrived in the mail. My brother had set some of my father’s ashes in a small round globe of glass, the disc streaked with ash and a thin blue swirl. That year I strung the disc on a holiday ribbon, and as soon as the tree was upright, hung my father on a sturdy branch facing the room. Every year after that, he watches his little piggies stand guard and his family grow tall and I cannot believe — each Christmas —  how much of him is all around us. He is right where he was happiest.

I lie awake and wonder what I will leave my children that will stand, year after year, the test of time and love. Words, I think. Many, many words.

Happy New Year, Friends.

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#trending, Coping, flowers, Friendship, Healing, writing

#Trending: It’s personal.

[tren-ding]: emerging as a popular trend.

What is #trending for you personally this July, 2018? Because that is all that really matters. I was thinking about this as the birds sprayed all the fresh water out of my birdbath this morning, exuberantly enjoying their morning spa. Note that nothing about my list is trendy #trending — you would have to  jump over to twitter for that — instead, a short list of what I realize has unfolded as my compass this last month.

  1. #goodfriendsareshastadaisies:  Leucanthemum superbum are the most trustworthy summer perennial I know — standing tall despite heat or thunderstorms or neglect,  They stretch to the sky and tip their faces up to the sun and grow in the poorest patches of earth. I have friends that stand up to life this way, the same friends who continuously cultivate our friendship despite our differences or geography or challenges.  They are my #trending anchors, my soul soothers, I channel you daily. You know who you are. I am grateful.
  2. #WritingReadingThinking: If I can’t write, I read. If I can’t read, I think. Do not underestimate the power of sitting with morning tea and listening to what is happening around you and just thinking. Some of my best lines float into my brain this way. Some of the best answers come to me watching birds hop in and out of the birdbath. It has taken six decades to allow sitting into my life and to reap the benefits. One silver lining of health challenges I try to pay forward daily.
  3. #Family: As we grow up and old we change. I am all for this. For all of us. What is  #trending for me is the filament that holds us together, though my family grows and expands —  a tie so gossamer it seems invisible but so strong, like the single thread of a spider web. I am thankful.
  4. #Sadsacksofflesh: So I lost a couple of sad sacks of flesh last year and I am about to lose another. #trending for me is understanding what I can live without and remembering how I have healed, over and over. I am writing a to-do list for 2019 and checking it twice. Watch me go after this next surgery. Catch me if you can.
  5. #LettingStuffGo: The Nest, in Seattle, is three rooms and a bath. Enough said. We don’t need anything, really, but the essentials. And chocolate. What are yours?

So what is #trending for me personally? I am picking daisies and talking to friends far and near and staying in touch with my grown-up offspring and getting through another hospital gig and booking tickets and writing workshops and retreats and outlining my new manuscript and stripping the basement of stuff. I can’t wait for the year to come. And in the near future, I will be sitting down, watching the birds and thinking while my body catches up.

How about you? Whatever it is, make it yours, make it good.

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Choices, ovarian cancer, Suzanne Wedel, Suzanne Wedel XOXOUT

My body, My friend.

Some people might place flowers to honor a friend’s death. I will lie my body down.

Three hundred and sixty five days ago my friend Dr. Suzanne Wedel died from ovarian cancer. Her daughter called to tell me while I was standing on an empty beach, watching the gulls hover over iced waves. I was willing time to stand still. Three hundred and sixty five days later, I honor Suzanne with a surgery date, making good on a promise I made to her. Doing all I can so history does not repeat itself.

My mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was twenty-one years old and she was forty-seven. We coped. We fought. We learned. We lost. That has always been the nature of ovarian cancer, no different in 1982 or 2017 — once diagnosed, a woman’s risk of dying is exponentially higher than any other female cancer. It hides, divides and grows unseen. Once ovarian cancer is diagnosed, you are past the easy stage. Period.

I trusted medical advances and advice for the last thirty years: yearly CA125 blood test, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, twice-yearly pelvics. Until Suzanne. Amazing physician, mother and friend with no familial history of ovarian cancer. Then — a pain in her shoulder. Tight waistband. After three years of every cutting edge surgery and treatment, she was gone.

Her illness highlighted that there is no magic wand no matter who you are: ovarian cancer, without an early detection test, is deadly. Her genetics were negative, but there I was sitting next to her on her couch with personal family history of this cancer. The gig was up. She made me promise; promise to remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes, SOON. She very plainly noted, as Suzanne could do so well, that I was foolish to play roulette with my body and my history.

What you should know: Today, oncologists advise if there is any family history, regardless of genetics, fallopian tubes and ovaries should be removed after bearing the last child. That they now believe ovarian cancer originates in the fallopian tubes.  That waiting, until one is fifty-eight years old with a family history, no matter how informed you think you are, is stupid.

I have been given a clean bill of health and await my genetic map. Regardless, on April 20, 2017 I will go spend the day with an incredible surgeon, AK Goodman, at Mass General Hospital. I will have mourned my fertility, my hormones and my skin appropriately. I will have loose pretty pajamas and friends waiting for me at home. I will honor my friend and her family and what we know so far. And if we are supremely fortunate, the Suzanne XOXOUT Fund will expedite an early detection test so my children and their children can grow old with less risk.

Better than flowers. I can now stand on the beach and tell her she made a difference. In so many ways, but especially to me. But she knows that.

XOX back at you, Suzanne.

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March 30, 2017 Bainbridge Island Ferry, sunrise

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Feminism, Women, writing

Kick Butt.

I remember the day my grandmother taught me how to curtsey. She was somehow in charge of me on bridge day and I was dressed to be shown off, squeezed into an uncomfortable wool jumper, the white blouse underneath bunching up around my middle. I knew I fell short on many levels, but determined, she gave me a quick how-to before her guests arrived. Holding my plump hands in hers she positioned me in front of her and demonstrated: slide one foot behind the other, dip my knees together, look her in the eye.

I remember feeling a little sick to my stomach. At home I ran barefoot in the wheat fields. Why am I learning this I wondered. The year was 1965 and I had personally witnessed my mother throwing away her bra. “You can do EVERYTHING I couldn’t” my mother told me as she dropped it in the bin with a flourish. But I also knew, like my grandmother’s even, back-slanted handwriting, that today’s lesson held the key to being a lady, a term my mother scorned but the little fat girl secretly worshipped. I stood by the front door with my grandmother that day and executed a perfect curtsey to each guest. They cooed in admiration. This felt just fine.

So began my conflicted relationship with being a woman that frankly has not abated fifty-two years later. Does it ever abate with any woman my age? I write my essays on being white, middle aged and full of words. I question retiring from life when the kids leave for theirs. My essays and blog posts are sprinkled on the internet weekly and after publication I am full of heavy dread each time I turn on my laptop. Who will be offended? Can I live what I say and say what I mean?

But then we have the elections of 2016 and I face that I have been coasting along, letting other women do the heavy lifting. How to hone feminism and fifty and language to shape the next generation now keeps me awake at night.

“Look what we did for you!” was my mother’s favorite line when she pushed me to college, graduate school, begged me to get a PHD. This year I assure my oldest daughter as she plans her wedding, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want,” and I know my mother would be proud. Then I order my daughter monogrammed stationary. Because, honestly, I am still doing a little curtsey with a pen in my hand, bridging the worlds that raised me.

If I want my daughter to keep the path for equality and feminism open despite the elections of 2016, for her to be the next female president (why not?) or know her, I need to trample the have to’s and remind myself and other women daily that women can do anything. So here goes another blog, and some more words, and the choice of honesty.

You will still be a lady if you kick butt. Even more of one now in 2016. And you need to.

Thanks for cutting the path, Mom. Stomping on it right now for you and all of us.

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Gathering lilacs at Moose Hill. Alexandra Dane, 1965

 

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Community, Friendship

Moving on.

The dog threw up at five this morning. Then again at seven. She won’t have a name until the three loads of laundry are finished. And I swear she can’t reach the Halloween candy.

My Seattle pied-à-terre entrance is in back of a house and up thirty five steps. I have had all of three trick-or-treater’s in the last three years. But for 364 days of the year I store a purple plastic pumpkin, bloody hand decal and illuminated spider web for just this one night.

Why? I continue to claim this is my least favorite holiday. But consider the one or two faces that struggle up the steps clutching wands, gowns, masks, bags of candy, oversized pants, dogs. Then the rifling hands. Then the “Thank you!” and thundering feet descending back down the stairs, dashing off to the next house, fast, as my back yard might be a little bit SCARY.

All Hallow’s Eve is heartwarming. And brings back memories of Disney princesses, Robin Hoods and Ninja Turtles of days gone past, of borrowing bits of costume from across the street, contriving swords out of boxes, spraying glitter on a line-up of star wands, of trailing the neighborhood pack of kids with other parents, keeping a respectable distance sometimes with warming libations tucked in our pockets. It’s good memory of friendship, taking care of one another, of October leaves and the harvest moon.

This afternoon in the pouring rain I will carve a pumpkin, light it with a Glassybaby (of course) and wait. Even for one smiling princess. And remember Robin Hood in his green tights filched from his sister’s dresser. Of Princess Jasmine. And remember community is the backbone of who we are, regardless of political party or race or sexual identification. We are the people who will make tomorrow happen, together, raucously, maybe with a wand, hopefully with a ballot. We will move on and make it work. We always have.

Then Olive and I will turn off all the lights, the universal signal that this eve is over and go to bed at eight due to our early day, full of good thoughts and hopefully a memory of that knock, knock, knock at the door and a chance to meet a new neighbor.

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Olive, Halloween 2015. She wants to be Newt Gingrich this year. I suggested we reuse the same costume.

 

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